Not quite sure where I stopped in my Alphabet power word blogging but we are going to start with N – Next Week!!
There have been so many changes to me and what is essential down inside that I don’t recognize this wild animal I have become. Flitting, scared wary, angry beyond sad surviving in the barest of way on the scraps of emotional food tossed my way.
When you lose your life mate yet somehow they go on breathing in someone else’s arms the death of the relationship is never final it goes on and on and on. Wanting closure but how do you get it when the oaths uttered have power that still hold sway over me. For the words spoken, I meant and still mean. My actions were not always the best but they were true I was in for life. Then when betrayal was realized it was beyond a knife in the heart it was a cleaving of my soul.
A very wise witch told me our story can never be untold and grieving honors that life that is no more. Yet when do I stop grieving for a ghost of a man, a lie and shadow that hollowed me out gave me life then gave me poison? How long until I hold my head up and the tears quit falling. When do I stop searching for a way to crawl inside myself like an animal to hide or die? When does my voice quit uttering your name in every conversation?
I used to be the moon that held sway in your night now I am eclipsed by a destructive meteor that flames and gasses yet hold more excitement than I do. The Sun shines on me no more and I ride the sky alone with only far off stars to spill down cold light on me.
I want to be wyld and fierce again not caring moving forward with my head up and my hair flowing. I want to not care – the same way he does not care. I want to put him in my rearview the way he did me; instead of seeing his face every time I close my eyes. I want to know down in my heart that if he came back I could say no. However, my true heart knows he will never want me again. I am too hard a mistress for honesty and faithfulness are herculean task beyond his undertaking. These things my head knows yet the heart cares not for it is a silly bit of fluff that wants what it wants and wants it now.
I want to be free of the disease of you; like you are free of me. Oaths I spoke I meant. Somehow, they still bind my heart even though you have broken faith with me and moved on to a harlot. I know in my head you lack the ability to rise to be with me; for the attributes of a real man you do not possess. In anger and sadness I grieve for a man that never was; the lie you wore like a skin so close so heady with intoxication untruths that even now I get overwhelmed in the memory of what was.
Soon I will be free to willingly breathe the truth my heart fears; but then again so shall you….